what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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