At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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