Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
