I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
