There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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