its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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