I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
