Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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