So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
