I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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