Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
