I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize