I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
