Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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