Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
