Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
