so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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