i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
