I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
