We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
MIDGETS
????
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
