a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
