i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
