Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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