i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize