She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
