For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
