Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
