Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my shit smells like andre
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
