Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
