you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
