I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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