The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
