Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
