best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
