I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
