Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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