Pants 0. Shit 1.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize