WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
