You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
BRING THE BAGELS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
