She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize