that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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