My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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