Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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