just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
