yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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