in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i think i have two assholes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
