I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize