I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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