sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
