yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
