Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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