so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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