it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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