I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
