We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
