Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
