when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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