I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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